Express-ions

Stayed up verra late last night (er, this morning) taking online quizzes for accounting and microeconomics.

Just an FYI -- NOT really a good idea to take a timed online quiz when your eyes are itchy & scratchy, and you are so tired that you've forgotten to put on pants.

I'm just saying.
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Took Miss Molly over to the local Pet[insert conglomerate here] for a bath. She also got her nails done, her ears cleaned, her teeth brushed, and her anal glands expressed. All for $27!

Now, see, I love my dog-- but there are some things I just won't do.

I've bathed her, cleaned her ears, clipped her nails, scooped up poop, and even once pulled a slug outta her mouth. However, if I even hear the word "anal" I immediately shut my eyes, clamp my hands over my ears, and start mumbling repetitively "lalalalala lalalala". So I dropped her off for them to do their deed, picked her up 2 hours later--- and boy was she happy to see me! The only downside to this whole thing is the foo-foo powder that they put on her fur makes her smell a bit like those blue-hairs that work the cosmetics counter.
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In global history, I have been busting my ass on our assigned "discussion posts". Seriously busting, like 9 hours for one posting. ONE posting! My last post only garnered me an 81, and the teacher had even commented that it was a great post. Argh. The bitch of this is, I found out that all of these posts combined only constitute 15% of my final grade.

I have been busting my ass for a measly 15%.

Was still irritated by that when he assigned our last post topic, so I blew it off until the last day-- and then spent about 20 minutes writing my post.

Got a 74.

Lessseee, 9 hours and I get an 81. Twenty minutes and I only lose 7 points.

I'm gonna have to say that in reviewing the opportunity costs, the marginal costs far outweigh the marginal benefits.

Fucker.
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I've assemble a list of non-textbook readings for the end of the quarter:

• Why Girls are Weird, by Pamela Ribon
  
• Second Helping, by Megan McCafferty
  
• Apocalipstick, by Sue Margolis
  
• The Fat Girl's Guide to Life, by Wendy Shanker
  
• The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
  
• Running with scissors: by Burroughs, Augusten

Ping me if you know of a fabulous book I should check out.
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Off to nap. Enjoy your day.

My Shit Don't Stink

Lately I have the the short-term memory span of Cheech & Chong. I am forgetting things unless I write them down, and then I'm forgetting to look at the damn papers that I wrote the reminders ON. Ugh. High stress and a 4-hour nightly sleep average is probably a key factor, ya think?

Forgot until late Tuesday night that the guys from the Septic Service were going to be here before noon on Wednesday. Sans flashlight, I attempted to look in the sheds for a shovel but the screaming and the flailing (there were spiders & webs) were impeding my search. I made the executive decision to wait until daylight, and then I would simply dig the hole.

Um, yeah.

At 7:30am I was outside in my ladybug shoes, attempting to dig.

In the rain.

The "guys" showed up at 7:55.

They have obviously never worked for the cable company.

In a matter of minutes they had located and dug up both of the septic lids [weird little mine-shafty looking things].



I helped out by... well, okay, I didn't actually DO anything.

But I did manage to stand back.

And take photographs.



Oh, I also brought around the water hose so they could flush (heh, a pun) out their tubes when they were done.

The first guy lifted the lid, put the giant tub in and started up the machine. I backed up when I caught a, um, whiff. But I tried to keep the look on my face neutral since, after all, the stinky stuff was MINE.

They finished up and presented me with a bill--$360. That's a lot of money, but really-- how much would you be willing to pay to have someone remove 4 years of your shit? Plus, they only charged me $30 to dig up my yard. Happy Thanksgiving!

Speaking of the holiday... after the septic guys left I showered, packed up the homework and a change of clothes, and headed on up to Bunny's place. She was stuck down in Tukwila, so Esteban decided he would take me to Costco and the grocery store so Bunny stood a chance of being in a decent mood later.

We were in and out of there in less than an hour. We got their stuff, Sally's stuff, and the meal stuff for Thursday. Bunny was home before 7, so we visited and watched some TV-- and then I fell asleep on the couch. Woke up bright and shiny at 4. Argh. Bunny got up 8 and fixed blueberry pancakes and breakfast sausage while I hit the local starbucks for coffee. Bunny gave Miss Molly a pancake. Had to coax her to eat it though, as my dog does not get human food. Molly liked it okay, but seemed to prefer the abandoned cat food.

Bunny and I made broccoli/cheese rice; cornbread stuffing; spring salad; mashed red-potatoes; green beans; rolls; and ham.

Yes, ham.

Usually we do turkey for T-Day and ham for X-mas, but since we had waited til the last minute we had to get a fresh turkey and the smallest fresh turkey they had was TWENTY pounds and that was just waaaay too big. And not those specialty $30 hams either-- a regular $8 ham was just fine. We drove it all down to Gma's, taking three of us 2 trips to drag it all in. You'da thought we were feeding everyone in the fucking building, there was so much stuff (also had the toaster oven, and fuzzy socks, that Bunny bought Gma). The Mom was already there, and Dick showed up later-- bringing a great pumpkin mousse and an even better pumpkin cheesecake.

Afterwards, I was supposed to drive Sally's groceries to her but my back was completely fried. I went home, popped back a handful of ibuprofen, lay out the icepacks on the couch-- and willed myself to relax.

Did a few hours of homework, then was up early in the morning to head to the Post office and then to Sally's. Drove off without the bill payment I had just put out to mail. Didn't realize it til I got to the PO and man was I ever, well, po'd. (Hee! two puns in one entry) Called the Mom and she was able to drop it off for me. Yay Mom. I made it to Sally's, then to the hardware store for the specialty water filters, and then decided to surprise the Mom with a rental of the Sopranos-season 4.

Saturday I went back up to Bunny's to study there, having complete access to the fast internet. Then I dropped Molly off at Sally's for a sleepover since the kids and ET were there. Back home for MORE homework, but I'm really making a dent in my list. Felt a bit sleepy, but couldn't sleep for shit last night since my "baby" wasn't home. Sad, very sad.

The Mom picked Molly up for me, I ate some leftovers and continued to read myself blind--- all in all, a pretty great weekend.

Gobble, Gobble

Way back in my days of fun, Gobble Gobble was a slang reference to my drink of choice: Wild Turkey.

*sigh*

I am packing, writing papers, reading textbooks, running errands, doing homework... and then there's that whole Thanksgiving Day thingy.

SO, I am declaring the rest of the week Internet Gertie Free.

Just think, come December 15th I am done with school for many months and will then have a rich fulfilling life I can talk about. Or at least amuse you with my attempts at getting a life.

Enjoy your time off and enjoy your family.

See ya Monday,

Oil Slick

It has been brought to my attention that my webpage does NOT look the SAME on every screen. WTF? I designed this--my baby-- to look a specific way, and then you, the reader, are subjected to subpar viewing? Just so you know, the background is not yellow, the entry title is a pretty green with... oh hell, I'll just show you:



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Q: how many times can you nuke a cup of coffee before it's disgusting?

A: well, really, once you nuke it it's pretty disgusting. But for an unemployed college student the answer is 4. You only get four shots of putting you coffee in the microwave, walking off and forgetting it, coming back and hitting the timer again before the contents of said cup congeal into this funky oil-slick looking sludge.

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Lessee, I didn't do any of the things I had planned-- so what did I do this weekend? Ah, yes. Are you ready, cuz this one is a real shocker...

H O M E W O R K

oh, I also attempted to find the lid on my septic system.

AND, my sistah Sally treated me to breakfast at Starbucks and the saturday morning matinee of Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason! (I lurvs muh sistah). Review, not so much. All I can tell you is I liked it. Of course it wasn't as good as the first (didn't expect it to be), but it was like a very nice visit with old friends [well, yahah, considering I've watched the 1st movie more than 100 times and if you add up all those hours I have spent more time with them than my own friends. Oh christ, does that sound pathetic?]

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Talked with Mr. Bear today. Everything is going along. Lots of paperwork to keep filling out. He thinks he's done, and then they come back to him with a different form. And I thought the month of hell was strictly for buyers-- it's for sellers too.

Except the seller hell is more one of waiting than doing.

But then again, I get to "do" by digging up the backyard to find the septic tank lid. Should be fun.

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Got an 89.5% on my Global history midterm. Half a point from an A-. Thrilling. And no sarcasm there either. I mean it. I think I could possibly get an A in that class. Wow. It's been a couple quarters since I threw a hat trick.

Extemporize a Procedure

It's only 9am and I've already wash the dishes, made coffee for the Mom, completed 3 reply posts for Global History, 1 reply for microeconomics, and even took my Accounting test. Wheee.

I'm ready for a nap.

I'll just make some tea and walk around a bit 'til the sleepies go away, cuz I gotta cram 2 chapters of econ in before noon.

Hey! Anybody out there care to help me write about the European reaction to the Bush Steel Tariffs, due Sunday?

*crickets chirping*

No?

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Quote for the Day:

"It is safer to accept any chance that offers itself,
and extemporize a procedure to fit it,
than to get a good plan matured,
and wait for a chance of using it."

Thomas Hardy (1874)

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Bunny and Esteban are going to Apple Cup this weekend (that's a college football game here in the pacific northwest, for those not in the know), so I am hosting Miss Sadie Louise. Molly will be most happy for the company, even though Sadie is too old to really play.

I'm going to bust out of my boring "doing homework and studying" routine to *gasp* pack some boxes. Oh yeah baby. And then? Then I'm going to kick it up a notch by taking items to goodwill. Uh huh, now we're talking. And just when you think you can't stand anymore, I'm going to scrub the mold out from the windows. I'll even be wearing rubber gloves.

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Enjoy your weekend-- if you go see the new Bridget, drop me a line and tell me if you liked it.

Memo to Gertie

Apparently Mr. Murphy had deemed yesterday as “rip-off Gertie day”, yet neglected to CC me in on the memo.

Took Miss Molly to the vet. It was $15 for her shot and $50 for the office visit. I was expecting these charges, since I inquired about the charges ahead of time. What I wasn’t expecting was the additional charge for clipping her nails. During our $50 examination, (10 minutes which consisted of taking her temperature, looking at her teeth, rubbing her belly, giving her the shot and declaring her a happy dog) I had mentioned that I was having difficulty clipping her nails and that they were getting way too long. The assistant piped up that she’d be happy to clip them. I said “great”, never thinking that they were going to charge me additional for this (If you go to the major pet store chains, they charge $8). As I mentioned, we were already inside this FIFTY DOLLAR office visit. I go to pay the bill, and they charged me $17 for the nail trim.

SEVENTEEN DOLLARS!?! It only costs ME $10 for a manicure, and for that I get to pick out a pretty polish.

On to rip-off #2—quick lube & oil change. First place had nine cars in line, so I drove up the hill to my usual spot and got right in. I was inside reading “Discovering the Global Past”, when I was hustled for a new air filter. I concurred figuring that I’ll sell the car before I need to buy another. I stood strong against the sales pitch for new wiper blades and specialized oil at an extra $2 a quart. Pretty quick they come back in to ring me up and I’m on my way. I walk out to my vehicle and all of the employees have split, leaving my car in the bay. The cashier told me it was okay to drive it out myself, “just don’t make any sudden turns with the wheel”. Well, duh. But now that he said something I had to be extra careful or I WOULD make a sudden turn. I was so busy concentrating that I didn’t notice right away that they did not vacuum, or wash the windows. Argh.

Now on to the carwash. I took the 4Runner thru the carwash since I have a potential buyer coming to look at it this weekend. $8 for the basic, but it would cost me more in time to stand outside in the cold trying to wash the fucker myself. Anyway, at the end of the wash cycle there a little dude that wipes down your car hood and windows to leave them ‘spotless’. I decided to tip the guy a buck, and then felt like a complete ass after I drove off when I noticed huge smears across the window. Shit, the grease monkeys at the oil change place could have done a better job.

Now that I think about it, it looked like he used a greasy monkey to wipe the window. Heh.

In other HAPPY news, the rest of the day went well. I stopped in at the Mom’s office so she could watch Molly while I did the car errands. While out, I swung by the library and picked out the baseball movie and couple other videos for the Mom to watch. Later I took Molly over to Sally’s so she could have playtime with kids. All that excitement made her sleep really hard last night. Awww, my cute baby.

Esteban called up and begged me to baby doggie-sit today. So here I am, continuing with my studies. Well, not at this moment. At this moment I am blinding you with all the dazzling details of my fabulous life, doncha know.

It's a Small World

You know how when you learn a new word, then all of a sudden you see it all over the place? That happens to me all the time. In a bar playing trivia, the 7-letter word containing all the vowels was S E Q U O I A.

The next day, I'm driving and get stuck in traffic behind a car-- the Sequoia.

Later THAT night, went over to the house of my date's friend and it turns out his daughter's name is Sequoia.

So I watched the movie The Sound and the Silence last night. Just the nice story about Alexander Graham Bell--it stayed away from the nasty bits of his history-- and told about all his inventions, not just the telephone. After the movie I'm reading The Lexus and the Olive Tree, a book about globablization [for my microeconomics class]. In the book he starts to talk about AG Bell and goes into detail description of how the phone works. Almost exactly like it was described in the movie. Don't you think that's a bizarre coincidence?

The other strange thing with that movie-- it emphasized how he came to create his inventions because his mother couldn't hear and his wife was deaf... wouldn't you think this movie would have closed captioning? I was having trouble hearing some of the dialogue and thought it a bit ironic. Eh, just a thought.

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Today I'm working on my group economics paper on the Steel tariffs, and starting on my history essay. I also get to cram for a new quiz just posted that covers the voyages of discovery, pre-contact Africa, and Tokugawa Japan. This, of course, is AFTER I clean the litterbox and the bathroom and vacuum the living room.

You want my life, oh yes you do.

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Molly and I are off to the vet now.

Only one of us has a checkup appointment.

I'll let you guess which one...

I suck

Gosh, I'm just typing away here at Bunny's trying to finish my essays for the Global History midterm.

I look up and see the time (or is it I look down since the clock is in the bottom right corner of the screen?) and realize that I haven't posted my entry yet.

Aaaannnnd then I remember that I didn't WRITE my entry yet either.

Yeah, I suck.

[NOTICE: To everyone who emailed and asked to be on my notify list-- I should have y'all added by Monday. You guys have made me *gasp* happy-- I actually emitted a giggle of glee. ]

I finally talked to the mortgage company, who has been waiting since Tuesday for the Title company to fax over a copy of Mr. Bear's check. So I call Janell and ask "wtf", only much nicer. I hope. I dunno, it was voice mail and I'm frazzled and maybe I mentioned something instead about the fall of the Roman Empire.

The Mom just called and said that Janell called her (crap, I must have been a bitch she's calling my mom-- heh) and said that she not only faxed it on Tuesday, she faxed it again yesterday. So the Mom is having her fax a copy to US.

Now I have to call Mr. Bear and ask him when he's getting the last of his paperwork over to the mortgage company.

I now know why this procedure takes 30 days, and am starting to rethink the value of a real-estate agent. It might just possibly be worth four grand to have someone handle all this bullshit.

S'okay-- I'm off to wax poetic on the rise of religion in 500 BC and whether the Roman empire fell or was pushed. Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with Nursing or Forensics, but this is what we do for financial aid money honey.

It would have been so much easier to have just given a 100 blowjobs.

November 16th

I was up early yesterday, got the trash and recycle cans out to the street. Washed the dishes, watered the plants, folded the laundry, and completed a bunch of homework. Somewhere in there I hadn't had a chance to shower yet. I had to go out for a quick trip to the store, but still didn't have time to shower-- and then I remembered a trick we used for giving Gma's hair a "dry" wash. You just sprinkle a little baby powder on your hair and brush it out. The powder is supposed to absorb the oils, blah blah blah. Little thing to keep in mind for the future, however, is this:

white powder + dark brown hair = error in judgement

Fabulous.

Now I can either shower and be late, or I can go out with the hope they don't take one look at my greasy pasty grey head and label me a skeezy-crackwhore.

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Finished my list, and checked it twice, and no one gets a damn thing for christmas.

HA.

We haven't exchanged presents for the last couple of years-- because it's just been us grownups and it seemed ridiculous to spend the time, money & energy on getting stuff for the holiday when we already do stuff for each other throughout the year. Plus, I also make the sistahs kick-ass easter baskets every year. However, since I am leaving for Inverness in February (I think, I hope, I am planning on), I thought I would make a gift for everyone. I can be rather crafty, but I'm not sure how to pull this off since (A) I won't have much time until after finals on December 15; (B) I won't have any money until the house sells; and (C) I won't have a place to assemble all of this stuff and keep it a secret, once the house sells.

Bummer. Think they might all like a bag-o-socks from Costco instead?

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The Mom brought home our weekly VHS tape from Gma. She's recording Law & Order, CSI (all of 'em), Without a Trace, Crossing Jordan, etc.

I was walking thru to the kitchen when I noticed the ad for the new movie Alexander.

Oh SURE, now that we just FINISHED that section in global history.

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Talked with the mortgage lady, and she thinks that the loan for Mr. Bear should be a go. She'll call me back tomorrow and let me know. She's just waiting on one last piece from him. Then, it should be another two weeks.

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In response to a couple inquiries: yes, OF COURSE I will keep posting after I move, even from Scotland.

Happy to answer more questions, just email me if ya got one...

Dress-up Gertie

Have you noticed the atrocious design trend lately for "plus-size" women clothing? There are cropped tops, horizontal strips, mandatory 3/4 sleeves, and what I can only guess is a shout-out to the Flashdance collar craze.

Admittedly I have not been inside any upscale clothing shops in the past, oh, 2 years. But, (usually) if you can afford to shop upscale, than you (usually) have enough money to hire a personal trainer named Adolf that will intimidate the weight right off you.

For us fluffy and POOR women, we often choose the fine retail establishment called Tar-zhay. Now they've tried to pump us up with the ads for Isaac Mizrahi. Yeah. Uh, seriously, what would a skinny-white-gay-MAN know about wh... ohh! right! Never-mind....

Let's consider Exhibit A:

1. first of all, who in the world thinks this woman is a plus-size? How am I supposed to know how the shirt would fit unless I see it realistically modeled?

2. this shirt looks great when it concaves that way. However, the only thing that concaves on me are my eyeballs, you fuckers.

3. Despite the pleasing comfort level of wearing a tent, a tent only serves to emphasize the aforementioned fluffiness. We are told to wear a shirt that comes down to the approximate hip line as it would de-emphasize the stomach and accentuate your curviness. Um, sure. However, this shirt (& most of the others) stops before the hips or even the waist. Well, damnit, I refuse-- REFUSE-- to wear something belly baring.

I much prefer belly barring.

And lastly, what is up with merging the "woman's world" and the maternity section? I am not ashamed of my size, so why would a store attempt to hide my fluffy glory by disguising me as a mother to be?

I think I'll design my own shirt:

No buns in this oven,
Just cookies

Time Travel

I have a digital video camera (for sale, btw). Purchased in 2000 to help with the filming of a very bad, straight-to-video, non-porn, parody movie. I practiced by filming my friends' car races, but filming was often hampered by the fact that I was on the pit crew and often had--well-- pit crew duties. Imagine that.

In 2001, I filmed the very first snow at my very first home (this too is for sale, hee). I filmed my vacation in Scotland/Ireland. I filmed my trip to Colorado to see my friend Lisa. I filmed the delinquents setting fire to an abandoned camper across the street from my house.

I haven't filmed anything since, and I'm certainly not going to store it anymore. SO, I pretty much figure it's worth more to me in the form of cash .

However, before I sold it I wanted to pull some still shots off all those tapes. Fast forward another six months (there I go with those snappy decisions again), and I finally hooked it up to the Mom's desktop. I just used the moviem@ker software that comes with XP, and went thru each one of my tapes.

THIS was a major process, but undertaken happily since it meant I could avoid homework.

Heh.

I made a couple mini-movies, and played around until I realized the earth had made a complete rotation and that my ass had petrified.

What is this diatribe leading up to, you ask? Ya, you betcha-- you get to see some pics! Unfortunately I can't post them so you can "embiggen", that's the downside to using a free online diary.

This was taken October 20, 2001 at the Multnomah Falls in Oregon.



And here is wonderful Colorado. See that snow? This was July of 2001. Lisa and I started out down below wearing shorts, and as we got closer to the top we had to put our jackets on. It was so unbelievable up there that she had to take me back again the next day. This time we packed a lunch and the brought the dogs. Ninety-eight degrees at her house and 1/2 hour later the dogs are playing in the snow. S-Oh kewel.




Now we are crossing the Atlantic into Ireland. It's April 2001, and you are looking at the back of Powerscourt Gardens. Amazing "house" that has "47 acres of gardens, including Italian & Japanese Gardens and Pet Cemetery. They have a Japanese maple that was donated by Jacqueline Kennedy. Ooh--I also bought the most kickin' field coat in their gift shop.



This is Trim Castle. Part of Braveheart was filmed here. We got to climb to the top and overlook the whole area, while standing outside in the gusty and biting wind.




While driving out to Trim Castle, we came across some people repairing their thatch roof. I was a little surprised they still used those. Then again, it was nearly a week before I realized that the reason I had never seen anybody mowing their perfectly manicured fields was because (big fucking Duh here) all those sheep were eating the grass. Not always quick, I tell ya. Good thing I'm cute.



It's now the end of April, and we've flown on to Scotland. No explanation needed here.



This is one of the most photographed castles in Scotland-- the Eilean Donan Castle.



Crap, I can't remember exactly where in Scotland this was-- I just liked it.


This is the cemetery in Cromarty, where a bunch of my family is buried. Very old, and exciting to walk thru. We almost missed seeing this. However, Sally was driving on the right side of the car which freed me up to stare out the left window, and as we flew by (like I said, Sally was driving) I caught a brief glimpse and shouted for her to turn around.



And finally, a Hairy Coo. Yes, it's a cow, but the way they say it sounds like coo.

Gold Bricks

Today I took Mr. Bear's escrow check and a signed copy of our Purchase & Sale Agreement to the Title company. So far everything looks like a go. The Mom asked if I felt better, but I really won't believe it's sold until I get my cash.

And then there is the whole "I know I wanted to sell this place and moving to Scotland is supposed to be a fabulous opportunity, but this has been MY HOME for 4 years and I'm thinking I might be just a wee bit sad to leave it".

Sigh.

After the Title Company, I hit the grocery store to pick up Gma's list. I'm so glad I had that twenty stashed in my wallet or I would have had to put food back. WTF? I'm very cost conscious when it comes to shopping, so to be caught so unaware... I get out to the car and read the receipt and found two problems.

1. The yoghurt was advertised as 10/$4. However, it rang up at 10/$5. Not a huge deal, and definitely not worth the half hour wasted to get them to send a courtesy clerk to grab the tag and re-ring and give me back that buck. The principle of the thing fries my ass though.

2. TWO average sized tomatoes and FIVE navel oranges rang up to total $11. Yes, ELEVEN DOLLARS. I thought for sure skippy must have entered the wrong digits in, but apparently the fucking things were something like 3.99 pound. How did I miss that?

Oh, and

3. That fucking gum-chewing, fingernail pampering little bitch that bagged the groceries apparently thought she could deny the law of physics and place the light bulbs in with the canned goods.


Now, it's not enough that I suffered thru that-- but I found myself bitching (ah, similar to this rant, but minus the cussing) to the manager at my Gma's building, and in quick successive phone calls to Bunny, Sally, and my girlfriend in New Mexico.

I.

Am.

Officially.

Old.


I get to Gma's, unload the bricks of gold into the fridge and start rearranging her apartment (per request). I hauled the tv to the corner. I unloaded both of the 84" bookcases- moved them across the room- and reloaded them. And yes, it was just a couple of weeks ago that I was unpacking the boxes and putting all of the stuff in them. I guess she and the Mom decided that they would look better on the other wall. She also wanted to swap the contents of her kitchen cabinets-- move the dishes by the microwave and fridge and put the food in the other cabinet by the stove. Ya know, the way I suggested originally. Ahem.

Now, because Ms. Gertie is a fluffy lady-- I got kinda hot and sweaty from moving all this shit around. Well, that and it's a building full of blue-hairs who get cold when it drops below 77 so the heat is always cranked. I decided I'd feel better if I just took off my bra. Bad idea. Grandma then lifts her sweatshirt, bends over and tells me to look at her. I look over and see her titties hanging down like a tennis ball in a tube sock. Not sure what the peep show was about, I again fuck up by asking her what she's doing. She says "come over here and feel these".

(ohmygawd) Yes ma'am.

"now grab ahold good, squeeze them"

(ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd).

"See, by the time you're my age there ain't much left to your boobs, so they won't weigh so much."


It's been 7 hours now--and although the shouting in my head has lessened to a whimper, my psyche is still curled up in a fetal position in the corner.

Beware of dog Duck

All righty then. I'm sitting at the computer when I hear cars honking outside. THAT. AIN'T. NORMAL.

I go outside to see my neighbors chocolate pitbull running down our very busy street. I let Molly out and she books to the end of the field, barking at the dog to join her. I let them sniff each other thru the fence for a bit, but know that I have to somehow get this dog back to it's house or it's going to get hit by one of these semi-trucks driving by.

The problem is, I know this is not going to go well. Last time this has happened, I spent 4 hours trying to maneuver her home and then her owners drove up to my place yelling "that's my dog", put her in the car and left without even a simple thank you. Assfaces.

However, I do not hold the animals responsible for the sins of the trashy owners.

I load Molly into the 4Runner and head out the door, driving slowly down this busy road with my flashers going and the window down far enough so Molly can bark to the other dog to follow.

Shuddup, it's not like I was asking her to pull a Lassie.

So I now have traffic stopped on both sides and I am leading this freakshow parade right up to the driveway of my neighbors. I pull in and-- surprise-- despite the 6 cars in the driveway and in the yard, they are not home. I try to get the dog to follow me back to her pen (where the other two dogs are still inside), but she barkily declined.

Here is where I remember that it's never a good idea to turn your back on a scared dog. I was attacked by a scared dog as a kid, but my dad was smart enough to explain the dog's side & so I never developed a fear of dogs. Well, until I was 25 and my friend's LITTLE dog attacked. A big dog you can control. Little dogs? Not so much. At least not without snapping their little necks. Oh, I did not. But I sure as hell wanted to. That little fucker left scars.

Anyway, I'm heading back to the house to ring the doorbell again when this huge duck comes waddling up.

A duck!

A huge red eyed wing-deformed waddling mass of fury.

Have you ever been bitten by a duck? Apparently the dogs are just for show, and it's really the fucking duck that guards the house.

So now I'm trying to get out of there walking fast enough to keep the duck away, yet ever mindful to not turn my back on the barking body of fear.

As I approach my truck, Molly jumps out thru the window and takes off after the duck of fury. I scramble to catch her, whilst visions of Canard L'Orange recipes flit thru my brain. Molly's chasing the duck, I'm chasing Molly, and the pit-bull is chasing me.

Have I mentioned throughout this that I am in my pajamas, not wearing a bra?

I finally get pissed, and the inherited but previously unused mommy gene spews forth a vituperation of such vocal magnitude that not only does Molly stop, and the pit-bull stop-- but so does the duck. I then calmly put Molly back in the truck, firmly instructed the other dog to STAY and I drove back home to work on midterms.


So, how was your day?

Truth About Cats and Dogs

• Dogs fart like a frat boy after a 2-day binge on beans and tequila.
  
  Cats don't. Or, if they absolutely have to, it's just a mere fanny burp.
  
  
• It requires 4 teamsters, a ribeye steak, 75 gallons of water and one bottle of shampoo to bathe the dog.
  
  Cats wash themselves.
  
  
• A dog is all Oliver Twist "Please Miss can I have some more?"
  
  A cat chooses to receive affection predicated on the satisfaction of terms. Lap must be at a 90 degree angle. You are allowed 2.5 strokes to the head, 1 under the chin and only after sufficient amounts of catnip may you scratch the belly. Agreement is subject to nullification upon the emission of any loud noise within a 30 mile radius.
  
  
• Forget about curiosity killing the cat-- a dog will forage thru everything, and will consume anything. Bonus points when it "finds" a piece of litter covered cat doodoo. Yeah, puppy almond roca.
  
  
• A cat whines when you take it for a ride in the car.
  
  A dog not only loves going bye-bye, but the dog will even pull the gate down, climb over the back seat, crawl thru the front seats, and lay down in the driver's seat--thoughfully keeping it warm until you come back.

Not One Mention of Boobies

Yesterday when I logged onto diary-x to upload my entry, I decided to check my stats. I only do this every so often just to see if there's anybody out there, it's not like I'm a stats whore or anything (ahem). I about blew my wad when I saw how many unique readers had accessed my site. I had to think back on what I wrote, and saw that except for the actual word titillating, there hadn't been anything ACTUALLY titillating in Monday's entry. Nothing. Not one mention of boobies. No reference to girl on girl action. Not even a hint of someone dropping to their knees.

Can you imagine how disappointing it's gonna be when someone single-handedly (ha-ha-ha) types out their specific search request, and MY site comes back as a hit?

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Another potential buyer come by and looked at the place last night, so I had to cancel a study group session and run around the house throwing my undies and socks in the laundry basket, wash the dishes,and clean that spot on the rug where Molly pulled a Linda Blair. They said they definitely want it, and would give me a definite offer today.

I have another study session tonight (for a midterm that's due on Friday--gah) and chat meeting after that for my group econ paper on "Bush's Steel Tariffs". I have 2 chapters of Econ text, 71 pages of supplemental econ reading, 123 pages of History, and a chapter quiz for Accounting. For today.

I am so lucky I'm not working. I mean, it's not lucky that I don't have money to pay my bills or buy the fun stuff like groceries, but I do NOT know how in the hell I would be doing this if I was working, since I can barely make it thru as it is.

But then again, most of the people in my classes aren't taking all three of these specific courses at once. People thought I was crazy when I took Anatomy and Microbiology at the same time and Physiology and Organic Chemistry at the same time.

Awww, I'm not crazy, although I'm beginning to see a bit of a sado/masochist streak in me...

I'm off to start on that list you read above. In the meantime, I'm giving you a treat-- a very funny entry by sundry mourning.

Damned if you do...

Four years ago, I shed tears for America.

I didn't know what, exactly, was going to happen-- but I knew it couldn't be good.

Then on September 11, 2001-- I cried again.

Today I have wept for the last time.

I truly believed that we would make a change, but it seems like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG!


I, of course, reserve the right to my condescending attitude...

November Rain

I thought the above entry title was apropos since it's, well, raining AND the first of November.

Yeah, I know, most of you are probably saying "hey Gertie-- we have fucking calendars too"-- but I still had to point it out. For gawd sakes I am only now getting ready for Memorial Day. At the rate I am going, in the next couple of years, instead of being several months behind I will have lapped myself and when I feel like it is Easter, it will actually BE Easter. Meh.

Titillating stories?

Not so much.

I have been studying, and doing the homework, and studying, and trying to watch my history lectures, and trying to sell the house and mowing the yard to sell the house, and cleaning the house to sell the house.

Did I mention I've been STUDYING and trying to SELL MY HOUSE?

Guy came by on Saturday night and gave me a written offer. No money was written to an escrow, and I didn't accept yet-- but it's still exciting. To be frank, I don't know that I ever expected anyone to really put an offer on this place. The people who came by yesterday want this place too. Man, that dude is hot. He's 6'4", an amazing smile, fabulous eyes. I tell you, if he wasn't married with a pregnant wife I'd, I'd... well, okay I'd nothing-- but still, he's hot. They are having to see today if they can qualify for an FHA loan, so who knows. Holy fuck, now I have to make a decision. Do I wait or do I go with the first guy and try and get this damn place sold and be one step closer to sending my ass to Scotland?

As for the rest of the week:

• Wednesday: Shopped for Gma's birthday. Not that I had any money, but Sally was footin' this bill-- so I headed to Ross and picked up a set of 18 glasses, a 20-piece dish set, CD case (holds 32), cooking utensils, and an expanding shelf-organizer. Strange how a woman has to set up house at 79, but when she was forced to move in with her daughter (yes, technically she's my Aunt but I refuse to acknowledge that @#$#) they took all her shit and now that they are moving again don't want to give anything back. Fuckers. I am so glad she's finally out of there. Too bad it took her almost dying, but at least now she's HAPPY. Damn, I digress. The Lunar Eclipse 6:30-8:00pm PST, October 27, 2004. AWWHUHSOME. VERY kewel blood red moon our here in the country. Sadly I own a crappy camera, so no good pics
• Thursday I left the house by 6am [after being up til 3:30] to doggie sit Sadie. The Mom doggie sat Molly since I couldn't take the energy level of the two of them. I'm soooo far behind in my studies and I'm trying to keep this ear infection from manifesting, and boohoofuckinghoo I'm tired too. Left Bunny's and head down to Gma for the birthday celebration. Unbeknownst to her, Bunny was back in town and Sally was coming over too. She was ecstatic with her gifts, even more overjoyed to have dinner and dessert with "her girls". Awww. Earlier in the week the hairdresser deemed that enough of her hair had grown back, so she got her perm. Aside from the fact that she FEELS great, she looks really good too. That's enough to make a teamster cry.
• Friday I was supposed to meet with my Econ teach, but had developed the makings of a migraine-- so I had to cancel. Instead, I slept almost SEVEN hours, got up to finish some homework-- and scheduled a study session for Saturday. I then cleaned out the freezer and the pantry, cooking up stuff and figuring out a grocery list for this next week. I made a great Spaghetti sauce except, well, let's just say that the Mom and I don't need to worry about mosquitoes or vampires for awhile. I also whipped up a loaf of banana bread, only to turn around and catch the Mom letting her granddog lick the spoon. Oi. I also dealt with UN-installing the microsoft xp service pack 2 so my system would stop crashing, and then subsequently uninstalling and reinstalling Java so I could log into my school site.

Are we having fun yet? Ya, you BETCHA!

More fun stuff tomorrow,